Hey, It's Me!

Read now (5 mins) | Book Coach. Podcast Host. Unmasked Autistic.

May 30, 2023

Maybe it’s time for a reintroduction! It’s been a while since I’ve done this and today feels like the day. So if you are new here or want a sneak behind the curtain of how my human self has evolved over the past 3 years or so, here’s the dealio with me. 

I’m Angela though I sometimes go by Dr. Angela so let’s start there. I got my PhD in 2005 in communications at the European Graduate School where I got to study in the shadow of the Matterhorn in the Swiss Alps with some of the most amazing luminaries in the world including my dissertation advisor John Waters (yes, THAT John Waters), Slavoj Zizek, Jacques Derrida (in his last year of teaching), Jean-Luc Nancy, and Peter Greenaway. 

On my graduation day, one of my advisors made me promise to always use the honorific of Doctor to be an example to others of what’s possible. I have done that, though yes, sure, I get visits from the imposter syndrome fairy too. 

Grad school was actually really hard for me. I struggled to make friends or be taken seriously as an academic. I always felt like I was behind or not smart enough. To support myself through my masters and doctorate, I became a ghostwriter.

Truth? I actually started off getting paid to write academic papers ($10 a page!) while I was an undergrad. Then that morphed into ghostwriting dissertations, and eventually, books. 

Writing has always been easy for me. 

I wrote my first book of poetry (oddly called Life Long Chances!) at the age of 7 and my first novel at 13. 

Writing is my home. I write every day without putting it on my to do list. I always have enough time to write. Without words, I would not exist. 

I spent a few years teaching at a university, but didn’t have the social skills required to navigate that rat’s nest of dysfunction, so I returned to ghostwriting. 

At 37, I founded a boutique publishing imprint to help other writers, as well as my ghostwriting clients, get their books out. Difference Press has operated continuously for 13 year publishing over 1,000 books. That was also the year I added book coaching and strategy to my ghostwriting and editing services. All together as an author, ghostwriter, editor, publisher, and book coach, I have helped birth almost 2,000 books. 

At the age of 39 ,I was diagnosed Autistic (actually I was diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome, but no longer use that term in solidarity with other Autistics who are harmed by the stratification the distinction has caused throughout history, but most specifically during the Holocaust.) 

When I first got diagnosed I was so relieved to understand the cause of my social struggles in grad school, academia, and beyond. I immediately set to work developing coping skills. Often these skills were taught by well-meaning (non-autistic) people who desperately wanted to help me get happy after a life of self-hate and self-harm.

They wanted to save me. And I wanted to be a model student. 

I studied the ways of suppressing my autism like I studied Eisenstein and Heidegger in grad school. Allistic communication was as foreign to me as reading philosophy in German or watching early Soviet films in Russian, but I would not be dissuaded. 

I perfected a game of hide the ball by masking my Autistic traits and creating elaborate (and expensive) systems to protect myself from triggers. Occurrences of social breakdowns, Autistic meltdowns, and externalized anxiety went down. Happiness and success went up! The makeover worked! Until it didn’t. 

When the tornado of 2020 came, my high-end masking game crashed and burned. My routines were gone. My supports crumbled. My Autistic meltdowns came back and then evolved into Autistic Burnout which is a dark, dark place to be. 

My special interest (writing) no longer grabbed my attention. My sensory sensitivities were off the charts. No amount of rocking or shaking could help me find my equilibrium. Loved ones bailed on me big time. I even stopped writing for almost a year - the first and only time in my life my key special interest wasn’t there to save me. 

So what did save me? Unmasking! Embracing my full Autistic self without fixing and covering it up. My love of writing and coaching authors was still there, but the drive for World Domination was gone. To get my special interest back, I needed to let go of my desire to fit in with or be loved by neurotypicals and neurotypical society. 

Through my special interest, I birthed a new identity post Autistic burnout.

An identity baked in deep truth and connection but forged in words. I found my way back to writing by doing deep, intimate work with authors on their books. 

I ended my quest to be like everyone else and to fit in, and embraced Autistic culture and what actually works for me.

This is deceptively difficult to do because it comes with great loss of friends, family, funds, and a planned future; but on the other side is massive freedom.

For me unmasking was a life or death decision and the new me is grateful to the burned out me, for doing the work to get me here. 

Here are some things I’ve learned: 

• My special interests feed my soul more than fame or money ever will. 

• I thrive with a lot of silence and space and have to build that in. 

• I need to plan for social time in advance and buffer with recovery time. This works best if socializing is not spontaneous. 

• My most nurturing relationships are with other neurodivergent people (especially Autistics) and true allies committed to sharing the life of cross-cultural communication. 

• My mental health - and really my life - depends on creating an existence where I can stay emotionally regulated most of the time without a ton of effort. My main job is to create the conditions for that emotional regulation. That means choosing the people, projects, locations, and activities that will enable that. 

What do I do now?

Well, I’m glad you asked! First, my primary activity is helping traditionally marginalized people including BIPOC, LGBTQIA+, neurodivergent, and others with disability needs to write their books and get them out in the world. I mostly do this 1:1 and my services include book strategy, developmental editing (figuring out your outline) proposal writing, book marketing, editing, design, and publishing services. Drop me a line if you think I can help you with your book. 

Second, I center my personal activism work around advocating for Autistic people and rights through my writing and cohosting The Autistic Culture Podcast. My goal is to help Autistics, and people who love us and want to be allies, to see Autism through a cultural lens instead of a medical one. My favorite part of hosting the podcast is connecting with other Autistic people and parents of Autistics who have ah-ha moments by viewing the world for an hour a week through a non-pathologized Autistic lens. 

So that’s a little bit more about me!

What are your special interests? I’d love to hear all about them! Would you like to put them in a book? Put your lovely, special interest info dumps in the comments!

*Background note: Most people only have a vague (often, highly stereotyped) version of autism in their minds and believe that autistic children need (traumatic) ABA therapy to "overcome" their disability and appear "normal."  After receiving an autism diagnosis in her thirties, Dr. Angela Lauria realized that she too had been mostly unaware of what it means to be Autistic.  Like so many people, she started her journey by first gathering information and resources from the omnipresent (and problematic) Autism Speaks, but eventually moved away from the 'autism community' in favor of the 'Autistic community,' where she found kinship with other Autistic individuals and learned to let go of pathologizing language like 'autism spectrum disorder' and 'Asperger's Syndrome.'  This autism blog (and her autism podcast, "The Autistic Culture Podcast") is meant to share her lived-experience insights to support others on a similar journey of diagnosis, understanding, and community. Embrace Autism--differences are not deficits.