It Was So Obvious...

Read now (5 mins) | ...But no one saw it.

July 29, 2022

I grew up in the 1970s and 80s. Autistic girls with good grades was DEFINITELY not a thing.

I think the first time I even heard the word autism was in 1988 when Rainman came out and whatever Dustin Hoffman was trying to do there was not representative of me.

Everyone KNEW there was something different about me.

I was:

• difficult. 

• argumentative.

• histrionic.

• uncooperative.

• dramatic.

I DID NOT PLAY NICELY IN THE SANDBOX.

Other things were said about me behind closed doors. 

Talking about me is a favorite pastime because I am so “eccentric.”

Good things were said too, I’m sure.

Once I heard my mom talking to a neighbor about a new doctor she was seeing. The neighbor said, “She’s black, but she is very nice.”

THAT - I am pretty sure is how everyone talked about me.

“She’s weird, but she is very smart.”

“Oh that Angela, you know her. She’ll never play by the rules, but she does accomplish a lot.”

While I excelled academically, I struggled socially. I was bullied, which sucked. But worse than that, I was abandoned.

I can NOT tell you how many of my close friends said some version of: “I really want to be friends with you; I just don’t want anyone to KNOW we are friends.”

‘Yup. Got you, boo.’

I fell for that SOOOOO many times! Actually, tbh, it still happens today. 

I have a lot of shame around this desire people have for me to be their “secret” friend. 

My parents, teachers, friends, doctors, therapists, HR reps, and bosses have had “THE CONVERSATION” with me through the years.

It’s usually a list of ‘helpful’ advice about how I could act differently and get better results. 

“I know how amazing you are, and I want OTHER people to know” is the general angle.

“When you act like this, you push people away. Have you considered changing this about yourself?”

At the beginning, I tried. I tried to change these fatal flaws for well over 25 years. I journaled, prayed, went to therapy, self-flaggelated. You name it, I did it. No one wanted to “FIX” my personality problems MORE than me. I assure you.

But year after year, treatment after treatment, I failed.

Of course, I failed. My brain was never going to CLICK into neurotypical mode.

Essentially these well-meaning folks were saying, “Have you ever considered being nicer, slowing down, taking deep breaths…etc, etc” and the advice was not BAD. The problem was when I tried to follow the advice, I couldn’t do it and that made me feel deep shame and self-disgust. I hated myself so much because I couldn’t do these simple things that people who cared about me asked me to do.

This dance went on for 25 years until I was diagnosed. That was when I put a stop to it and decided to completely love and accept myself. 

But I do find myself wondering when I check every single box for Autism (or what was called Asperger’s back then), why not one of these well-meaning people even suggested I go for a diagnosis just to see.

It was always just kind of accepted by my family and friends that I was kind of weird. I was "smart" (aside from math and math-heavy sciences, which might as well be written in Greek), so I didn't fit the image of a "special needs kid." I think everyone knew that I was "different” but guided me to fit in and fix my “personality problems” rather than looking for a diagnosis.

There was one girl in college who was seriously horrified by me - she is the only one who ever said something to me, and looking back, I am so grateful she did. I did something offensive, and the situation was mediated by a college advisor to the student group we were in. I remember this student turning to me in front of the advisor with a seriously concerned face and saying, “This is not normal, and I really think something is wrong with you. You should go to the Student Counseling Center. You need help.”

At the time, I couldn’t hear it. I just thought she was being a bitch. But now, I know EXACTLY what she was saying. Something no parent, sibling, teacher, friend, boss, or HR rep ever said: “THIS IS NOT NORMAL - GET HELP.”

I didn’t listen, of course. And if I did, who knows if I would have been diagnosed or diagnosed properly? It was 1993, after all. 

But this is why so many people, especially women, are never diagnosed or are diagnosed late when a child or friend gets their diagnosis and the pieces of the puzzle start to come together.

HERE ARE MY TOP 10 AUTISM TRAITS AS A KID THAT COULD HAVE BEEN USED TO GET ME A DIAGNOSIS EARLIER:

1. I HATED showering. I mean hated it (the sounds, the water, the chance of soap in my eyes). I always had a big “Rat’s nest” of knotted-up hair because I wouldn’t wash or brush it. (Sensory issues)

2. I NEVER stopped singing (generally off key). “Angela, stop singing.” might have been the most commonly uttered phrase in my house. Singing was/is a stim for me. (As was/is nail biting.)

3. I was HYPERLEXIC. I started reading early and never put books down. Had an extraordinary vocabulary for my age.

4. I was WEIRDLY OBSESSED with Michael Jackson. (Ask me an MJ fact. I got you.) Michael was my first “special interest.” I could not collect or consume enough!

5. I always got in trouble for TALKING TOO MUCH and TALKING TOO LOUD. (Communication differences, autistic dialect, autistic accent)

6. I was WILDLY uncoordinated and cried through or protested gym class. Still can’t catch a damn thing. (Interoceptive and proprioceptive differences)

7. I was a SOCIAL JUSTICE warrior from the time I was 12. (I credited U2 for this, but autistics are known for being hardcore on social justice and fairness).

8. I had trouble KEEPING friends. Could not ‘read between the lines’ or ‘take a hint’ to save my life.

9. I always told my teachers in GREAT DETAIL when they would get a fact wrong in class. They did not enjoy this. Many trips to the principal.

10. So. Many. Meltdowns.

What do you look back on and see as an obvious sign of being Autistic as a kiddo? Tell me about it in the comments!

Related episodes of The Autistic Culture Podcast:

Episode 06: Lemony Snicket is Autistic
Episode 15: Greta is Autistic

*Background note: Most people only have a vague (often, highly stereotyped) version of autism in their minds and believe that autistic children need (traumatic) ABA therapy to "overcome" their disability and appear "normal."  After receiving an autism diagnosis in her thirties, Dr. Angela Lauria realized that she too had been mostly unaware of what it means to be Autistic.  Like so many people, she started her journey by first gathering information and resources from the omnipresent (and problematic) Autism Speaks, but eventually moved away from the 'autism community' in favor of the 'Autistic community,' where she found kinship with other Autistic individuals and learned to let go of pathologizing language like 'autism spectrum disorder' and 'Asperger's Syndrome.'  This autism blog (and her autism podcast, "The Autistic Culture Podcast") is meant to share her lived-experience insights to support others on a similar journey of diagnosis, understanding, and community. Embrace Autism--differences are not deficits.