Family. Holidays. Solidarity.
Read now (2 mins) | TW: familial estrangement
December 23, 2022
Before my autism diagnosis, my mom and sister did this thing when I’d bring friends or partners home for Christmas.…They would pull my loved one aside and say something like: “We know Angela is a handful and we are really sorry you have to deal with her. You can always reach out if you need a shoulder to lean on. We know how difficult she is.”
Some of my friends/partners told me when this happened with the ‘Your family is fucked up’ look on their face. Some of them never said anything—which revealed a lot.
I was so hurt that my family saw me as so weird and terrible they had to warn my new friends about me.
Now that I’m diagnosed, those conversations almost make sense. Like if they could learn and accept me they could just change it from “we are sorry you have to deal with her” to “since Angela is autistic, we know she needs some accommodations, let us know what we can help with.” And they could talk about it in front of me!
I was so excited to be a part of that. But it’s not what happened.
Now that they know I’m autistic (not weird or terrible), they have gone completely mute on the subject and won’t talk about anything but the weather and food. They treat me like I’m lying about it or being dramatic—but if that was true, what were you warning my friends about?
Why don’t they see that they have known I was different too? That’s why I was always this big conversation in the family. That’s why they were always warning and commiserating with my friends. Why do they think I’m lying or exaggerating or asking for extra things when they themselves have always pointed out I’m so different.
My sister and my son asked me not to come to Christmas this year because they “didn’t want any drama.”
Frankly, that sounds like drama to me—uninviting someone to Christmas…But, truth be told, I’m actually relieved I don’t have to try and fail to mask for 2 days straight. I have the worst narcolepsy around my family and they always put food in my mouth and take pictures and laugh. It’s a blast being the family joke.
I’ve got hotel time plus 2 great dinners, a couples massage, a comedy show, and a bingo session booked with my sweet, funny, handsome husband. And while being rejected by my son, mom, and sister hurts, honestly, I hope we all have a great couple of days not together.
Anyway, if anyone else has a family of origin that doesn’t get them, my greatest wish for you is that you find a way to get through the next couple days with minimal compounding trauma. I just wanted to say, you aren’t alone. We got this.
What are the holidays like for you? Tell me about it in the comments!
Related episodes from The Autistic Culture Podcast:
Episode 49: Christmas is Autistic
Episode 43: Only Murders in the Building is Autistic
Episode 08: Peanuts is Autistic
*Background note: Most people only have a vague (often, highly stereotyped) version of autism in their minds and believe that autistic children need (traumatic) ABA therapy to "overcome" their disability and appear "normal." After receiving an autism diagnosis in her thirties, Dr. Angela Lauria realized that she too had been mostly unaware of what it means to be Autistic. Like so many people, she started her journey by first gathering information and resources from the omnipresent (and problematic) Autism Speaks, but eventually moved away from the 'autism community' in favor of the 'Autistic community,' where she found kinship with other Autistic individuals and learned to let go of pathologizing language like 'autism spectrum disorder' and 'Asperger's Syndrome.' This autism blog (and her autism podcast, "The Autistic Culture Podcast") is meant to share her lived-experience insights to support others on a similar journey of diagnosis, understanding, and community. Embrace Autism--differences are not deficits.