How To End Friendships

Read now (6 mins) | (That no longer fit)

August 7, 2022

Being dropped by friends and family is a common side effect autistic people deal with on the regular. There are two ways that I experience this most frequently. 

The first, which I’ve written about before is the “be my secret friend request.” 

The second, which I want to share today with some ideas on how we can improve the process of ending a friendship that isn’t working is the permanent Irish exit. “Irish Exit” is a term used when a person leaves a place without saying goodbye to the people they are with. 

I should say that as an autistic person, I EXPERIENCE these as an Irish exit, but I THINK (based on conversations I have had and guesses I am making) it feels to the other person like they have tried EVERYTHING POSSIBLE to get me to behave (or be) different.

If you have ever ended a friendship without a conversation or had someone else end their friendship with you like this, see if you see any similarities, based on this example from the autistic perspective.

Heidi and I met at a concert and stayed friends for 19 years. I even bought a house near her (twice) so we could live close to each other. For over a decade, Heidi and I played cards and had breakfast once a week. We also went to dozens and dozens of concerts together around the world. To me, she was one of my best friends, and I loved her deeply.

One day she canceled breakfast, or maybe I did, I can’t really remember, and then we were traveling, and weeks went by, and we didn’t see each other. A neighbor had a block party, and we were both there. I was so happy to see her. I asked if everything was okay and she confirmed that yes, everything was just fine, it was just a busy time and we would get our card game back on the calendar soon.

Another couple of weeks passed, and I saw her walking in the neighborhood as I was getting in my car. I said hello, and she RAN AWAY. I mean literally started running.

I thought she must be running late or maybe didn’t hear me or something, so I drove off to work and just started my day with a bit of a weird feeling.

A couple hours later, I got an email with this subject line:

“Definitely not smoothly done, but…”

I expected to find an apology for running off and an explanation of why she was in a rush. I kinda KNEW she heard me say hello. But inside was the confirmation she had made a permanent Irish exit on our friendship months before.

Hey Angela,

There was a time some months back when I realized that our relationship produced much more tension in me than it brought happiness, and I did decide to let it go. I don't regret that decision, I am sure it was the right thing to do for me.

I did not talk with you about it, which I'm sure seems dreadful to you. But you are someone who is very verbally powerful, and in my experience, bringing up difficulties with you just puts you into explanation/defensive mode, and it just hardens your stance, without changing anything. It wasn't something I wanted to do with you.

Do you need a list of reasons? I don't think it matters -- I am happy with my life, and I'm sure you're happy with yours. Would it provide any benefit to you? It wouldn't to me.

Heidi

Wow! 19 years of friendship and not so much as a conversation. This all happened a decade ago, and I still cry about it several times a year. I miss our friendship deeply.

I never asked for the list of reasons (or maybe I did, I can’t remember tbh), but I never got them in any case. And this is what it is to be autistic for me.

People who I thought I had a great relationship with are experiencing me as “producing more tension than happiness” in them, and I HAVE NO CLUE. Every breakfast we had was so fun to me. Whether I won our card game or she did, it was always a competitive game. Those mornings were some of the best of my life. Even now, reading back through all of our old emails, mostly recaps of concerts we had been to and requests for cat sitting from one or the other of us, there is so much joy and connection. 

I did have little kids at the time, and I know that can be annoying when you don’t have small kids, but the complaint in this email doesn’t seem to be about kids. It seems to be about me. Fundamentally. At my core. Who I am.

(According to her…and others) I am someone who there is no point to even talk to if something is wrong.

I’m not sure what I’m doing wrong or how to fix it because it’s so clear the problem is just who I am and who I am is someone that you just ghost, I guess.

Heidi isn’t the only one to take this approach with me. I’ve had this scenario (like the “let’s be secret friends” scenario) play out over and over again. I just realized it was happening right now with a friend of 15 years who I recently realized had unfriended me on Facebook and hadn’t responded to my last few messages. I haven’t confirmed that’s what’s happening, but in my heart, I know it is, and I’m crushed.

A lot of social anxiety in autistics (and suicidal ideation) is caused by these traumatic social experiences. It does feel, even now, like I somehow deserved this treatment. What is the point in talking to me if we have a problem? I’m verbally powerful and defensive. Better to ditch me and never speak again.

For an undiagnosed autistic person, understanding these sorts of communication and social difficulties go hand-in-hand with being monotropic and are part of the Double-Empathy Problem—which can be a relief. IT ISN’T YOU! But..There isn’t much you can do either. So, it doesn’t take the pain of loss away.

I think for the allistic (non-autistic) person, the experience is equally awful - maybe worse! 

I have heard from others that they felt like they had been sharing with me for years requests to change my behavior and that it seemed like I didn’t care at all. From my perspective, I had not a single memory of any attempts to talk to me about my behavior—NONE! So it just felt like BOOM, I was dropped.

Maybe Heidi had felt like it was obvious that I was causing her more tension than happiness. I have no idea! And that’s what I want you to know, I guess: we all experience things so differently, and I believe everyone should protect their own peace first. 

I don’t begrudge Heidi for deciding this was the best way for her to end our friendship. It was a decision she had to make for herself and her sanity, and I respect that. 

I guess what I wish, though, is that Heidi and others would do me the courtesy of having the conversation even if it is hard to have. Being thrown away doesn’t feel good to anyone, and autistics in particular, struggle to make friends because we are afraid of something like this happening. Being friends across neurotypes requires extra levels of understanding, accommodation, and curiosity—for both people. It’s okay that it isn’t always worth it for both people. 

If you are an autistic person who has experienced a permanent Irish exit, or if you are allistic and have made a choice like Heidi’s, I’d love to learn more about your experience in the comments.

I believe we can make those goodbyes easier through ritual, release, and gratitude over ghosting. 

Here's a picture of Heidi and me in happier days. I will always be grateful for a WONDERFUL 19-year friendship.

Have you been chronically ghosted too? Tell me about it in the comments!

Related episodes from The Autistic Culture Podcast:
Episode 09: Fairy Tales are Autistic 
Episode 42: McEnroe is Autistic

*Background note: Most people only have a vague (often, highly stereotyped) version of autism in their minds and believe that autistic children need (traumatic) ABA therapy to "overcome" their disability and appear "normal."  After receiving an autism diagnosis in her thirties, Dr. Angela Lauria realized that she too had been mostly unaware of what it means to be Autistic.  Like so many people, she started her journey by first gathering information and resources from the omnipresent (and problematic) Autism Speaks, but eventually moved away from the 'autism community' in favor of the 'Autistic community,' where she found kinship with other Autistic individuals and learned to let go of pathologizing language like 'autism spectrum disorder' and 'Asperger's Syndrome.'  This autism blog (and her autism podcast, "The Autistic Culture Podcast") is meant to share her lived-experience insights to support others on a similar journey of diagnosis, understanding, and community. Embrace Autism--differences are not deficits.