3 SCENARIOS SERIES: What Does Inclusive Communication Look Like?
Read now (6 mins) | Empathy edition
October 1, 2023
Today’s scenario is about navigating conversations where an Autistic person is listening to a friend complain.
In our scenario:
“N,” is a New friend who is having lunch for the first time with an Autistic friend.
At lunch, N shares a recent traumatic experience and mentions she is currently feeling numb, spaced out, like she is walking around in a dream, and sometimes feels like she is detached from reality.
That’s the scene. Now we are going to look at 3 scenarios for Autistic responses, yeah?
Okay, here we go.
SCENARIO 1: MASKED AUTISTIC PERSON (MEDICAL MODEL)
“A” —our masked Autistic person—is a woman. One of the reasons women are so much less likely to get an accurate diagnosis is that they are often good at masking because they have learned social scripts as a survival tool. Following the script is against their nature and leads to depression, anxiety, and many other negative physical and mental consequences, but it minimizes social consequences.
“A” immediately identifies the seeming "correct" analysis of a situation. Trauma is one of her special interests so she knows exactly what’s going on here and she wants to help “N,” but she has observed that sharing her insights on any of her special interests or knowledge areas leads to people calling her insensitive or rude. She is brimming with information that could help, but takes a bite of salad and says “that sucks.” N agrees and talks more.
“A” doesn’t consciously recognize it but she is filling with emotions from biting her tongue and compensates by over eating, shaking her knee, and looking at her phone repeatedly. While N was touched that A seemed empathetic to her trauma when she said “I’m sorry,” and other short platitudes of acknowledgment and validation, N did think the knee shaking was weird and was frustrated that A was looking at her phone so much.
Generally, N just didn’t vibe with A and doesn’t plan to have another lunch with her, but she seemed fine enough. “Maybe she just has anxiety or something,” N thought. Meanwhile, A got home from lunch and napped for 2 hours. She was bloated from over eating and felt guilty from not sharing her thoughts on her new friend’s trauma when she knows it could have helped her.
A's Perspective:
A is passionate about trauma, a special interest of hers. She holds a wealth of information on this topic but chooses to restrain her insights, having learned that sharing can be perceived as insensitive. A returns home, overwhelmed by unshared thoughts and guilt, leading her to need solitude and rest.
N's Perspective:
N finds A’s response empathetic, but is unsettled by her visible restlessness and thinks she’s “weird.”
Outcome:
The relationship ends.
SCENARIO 2: UNMASKED AUTISTIC PERSON (MEDICAL MODEL)
“B,” like most Autistic people, is hyperempathic. When N tells her story, B feels it deeply and know N needs help to process this trauma. She also knows that she can help. She has studied trauma and witnessed how “the body keeps score.” It’s taken her years to untangle her own trauma and she deeply wishes someone explained to her earlier what was going on. She locks in and makes a love-filled commitment to helping her new friend.
B is a concrete, logical thinker and problem-solver. This approach has created a lot of success in her life and she is confident she can help N. She’s not thinking of charging for this, she just wants to help.
B starts to tell N that what she is experiencing is called Dissociation, and it’s a mental process where someone becomes detached from their thoughts, feelings, memories or even their identity or surroundings. It's a disruption in consciousness or perception that acts as a coping mechanism in response to trauma, stress, or other difficulties. She explains that for her when this happened it was confusing and she found an increased understanding of dissociation helped her reduce stigma.
N cuts B off “I already have a therapist and just need a friend. Just be my friend.”
B is confused. Wouldn’t a friend help?
She asks why N disclosed all of this so quickly in their relationship if she didn’t want her help and expertise.
N gives a vague answer and B is frustrated. B agrees to N’s terms but is irritated and doesn’t plan to have another lunch with her. She just feels like they aren’t vibing.
B keeps playing the conversation over and over after the lunch and decides N is ridiculous. She emails N and says “I’m done trying to ‘just be’ x or y. And I respectfully decline to show up in the role of your version of what a good friend is like.”
B's Perspective:
B engages, aiming to provide clarity on dissociation from her understanding and experiences, hoping this knowledge could serve as a beacon for N, but is left confused and frustrated, pondering over the interaction and N’s reluctance to receive help.
N's Perspective:
N finds A’s response rude and overbearing. She just wishes for a friend, not a therapist.
Outcome:
The relationship ends.
SCENARIO 3: UNMASKED AUTISTIC PERSON (CULTURAL MODEL)
In scenarios 1 and 2, everyone loses, but there is a 3rd way where everyone can win. It requires both sides viewing autism as a different culture not a medical problem. The Autistic person usually has to take the lead on this.
“C” is an Autistic person who knows N doesn’t understand how Autistic communication works. When N shares about the trauma and disassociating, C recognizes this interaction highlights differences in their neurotypes. C shares a bit about how, as an Autistic person, her own tendencies is to info-dump when excited and feels like she can help. But she knows that’s not always what other people need and she does best with straight forward communication where she isn’t guessing what the other person wants. She invites N to reciprocally share her communication needs.
N makes a mental note that while her intentions are good, her communication style may come across as blunt, insensitive, or intrusive to neurotypicals. She takes C on good faith that she wants to develop a deeper relationship. "I hadn’t thought about it, but I guess I was just looking for a listening ear."
C explains how her Autistic wiring compels her to problem-solve but that she's learning when this approach is helpful versus overstepping. She invites N to signal when she needs advice versus just emotional support. And she asks N to clarify how she prefers to receive empathy. With compassion and courage, they agree to openly discuss their different interaction styles going forward. This friendship has gone to a deeper level.
C's Perspective:
C explains her natural inclination to share information and asks N for explicit communication needs to avoid misunderstandings.
N's Perspective:
N appreciates C’s straightforwardness and they agree to openly discuss their interaction styles in the future.
Outcome:
The relationship deepens, allowing for mutual growth, understanding, and respect for neurodiversity.
Conclusion
Though connecting cross-neurotype takes work, this experience has expanded both of their understandings and helped them gain skills in relating well across diverse minds.
When Autistic and allistic people genuinely engage, real connections emerge. But it takes hard work: patience, compassion, compromise. The rewards are worth it. A relationship where both can be themselves, not masked. This is the core vision the cultural model demands - a society embracing neurodiversity, not conformity. One where understanding replaces judgment.
***
What you can do:
Reflect on these scenarios and share your thoughts, experiences, or insights in the comments
Explore diverse interactions and be open to learn, understand, and adapt to individual needs and preferences.
Share this knowledge to contribute to a world where Autistic and allistic individuals coexist in harmony.
A NOTE ON THIS SERIES:
The 3 Scenarios Series is a collection of essays examining 3 approaches Autistic people might take in one situation. The purpose is to illuminate differences in Autistic and Allistic (non-autistic) communication styles, bridge the empathy gap between them, and foster mutual understanding. In the first two scenarios, autism is seen as a disorder under the medical model. In scenario one, the Autistic person masks their natural behaviors to appease the allistic person, but feels awful. In scenario two, the Autistic person does not mask, so they feel more comfortable briefly before receiving negative feedback for not acting "normal." The third scenario presents a cultural model where neither Autistic nor allistic communication styles are seen as bad, just different. The Autistic person is consciously aware of cultural differences and unmasked in a thoughtful way, like someone from a different country traveling.
*Background note: Most people only have a vague (often, highly stereotyped) version of autism in their minds and believe that autistic children need (traumatic) ABA therapy to "overcome" their disability and appear "normal." After receiving an autism diagnosis in her thirties, Dr. Angela Lauria realized that she too had been mostly unaware of what it means to be Autistic. Like so many people, she started her journey by first gathering information and resources from the omnipresent (and problematic) Autism Speaks, but eventually moved away from the 'autism community' in favor of the 'Autistic community,' where she found kinship with other Autistic individuals and learned to let go of pathologizing language like 'autism spectrum disorder' and 'Asperger's Syndrome.' This autism blog (and her autism podcast, "The Autistic Culture Podcast") is meant to share her lived-experience insights to support others on a similar journey of diagnosis, understanding, and community. Embrace Autism--differences are not deficits.