3 SCENARIOS SERIES: What Does Healthy Unmasking Look Like
Read now (6 mins) | Small Talk Edit
September 25, 2023
In this series I’m going to play out a scenario in 3 versions. The first two versions will look at Autism the way most people do which is the idea it’s a disorder and something unfortunate that the Autistic person has to deal with and manage. We call this view the medical model or the pathologized model.
In the third version we will look at Autism through a cultural lens, also known as the sociological model. In this version the Autistic person is from a different neurotype with its own values and norms. Like an exchange student in their non-native country, they have been trained about the culture they are in, but they aren’t expected to behave exactly like everyone in the country they are visiting.
We are going to start small. Our first scenario for this series is a simple bit of small talk. We’ve got two people passing in the hallway and one says “Hi! Nice weather we are having, huh?”
That’s it. That’s the scene.
Okay, here we go.
In a scene like this two allistics (non-Autistic People) will have a nice easy interaction. One says “Nice weather we are having.” And the other says “Sure is! Enjoy it!” Let's see what happens with 3 kinds of Autistic people.
SCENARIO 1: MASKED AUTISTIC PERSON (MEDICAL MODEL)
"A" is an autistic adult. She has been alive and around long enough to have been corrected over and over by caring parents, babysitters, teachers, bosses, friends, and HR departments. She believes she isn’t good at “reading social cues” and she carries trauma from messing up supposedly easy communications before.
A knows to keep a lid on her Autism while in public. When "N" says nice weather, A immediately makes a promise to just go along with the small talk and say something super short and simple back like she has observed and scripted. ‘Just say yes!’ she is telling herself. But Yes doesn’t come out of A’s mouth. A starts to stammer a bit because weather is A’s special interest. She is holding back a deep knowledge about weather, and her brain is spinning out explanations, forecast models, seasonal climate cycles, or historical weather data for that time of year. A is trying not to share the 100 facts and figures screaming at her. So the “yes” is a weird jumbled smile that turns into something Dickensian.
Meanwhile, as A is smiling and saying “yes, old chap, lovely day indeed” she is feeling like she is stuffing one of those springy snakes down as it keeps popping up. The springy snake popping up makes A turn her head away and look off in the distance, but A knows from observation and feedback over the years that making eye contact is the desired behavior with small talk so A keeps turning her head away and then back which creates an awkward twitching movement. Between the unexpected Oliver Twist like response and the head twitching, A is now embarrassed and starts flapping her arms to calm herself down.
A is embarrassed but pretty sure N didn’t notice. All she said was “lovely day indeed” That was the right thing. A kept it short and maintained eye contact. Job done! A doesn’t realize the tics or the flapping registered and A figures everyone loves a British accent so it probably just seemed like a jokey way to say “top of the morning.” That’s a thing A has heard people say. Seems like that went relatively well!
N did not share that experience. N isn’t spending too much time on the interaction but in general feels like A is just weird. Best case, eccentric. Worst case, downright shady. Either way, not someone N wants to hang out with. N isn’t putting together the stammering, ticking, overly formal language, stimming, and distracted distance was coming from A masking Autism. It just registers to N that A is “not cool.”
Good Autism Maskers are often told “You don’t look Autistic” bad maskers rarely hear this. “You don’t look Autistic” seems to mean – you aren’t that weird and I would be seen with you in public based on my experience of you so far. (FYI ‘You don’t look autistic’ is a wildly ableist thing to say – check yourself before you wreck yourself with that one.)
SCENARIO 2: UNMASKED AUTISTIC PERSON (MEDICAL MODEL)
In this scenario, N says “nice weather” to "B." B is also Autistic but he hasn’t really mastered masking. He hasn’t been corrected as many times as A or observed and studied social interactions as much as she has. B has had a close knit group of friends who share his passion for science fiction and they always have plenty to talk about and get along great. In B’s social circles, he is seen as extremely cool. His collections of knowledge, and sci-fi books and figures is legendary.
B immediately and excitedly responds to the small talk comment “nice day” with detailed explanation of the current weather pattern, like explaining the high and low pressure systems causing the nice weather expecting N to be excited and interested in all this new information they are getting. When N interrupts bluntly saying something like "That's nice, but I've really got to get going..." B feels emotionally shattered, rejected and resentful. He feels like he was contributing important information to the conversation but had it abruptly cut off. B finds a mutual friend and begins to recount the story of how rudely he was treated by N. The friend says they are sorry that happened but most people aren’t really into meteorology like you are, B. N was just probably making small talk.
At this point B feels double betrayed. First, if N didn’t want to hear about weather patterns, why would he have brought it up. HE BROUGHT IT UP!!! We are told all the time not to interrupt someone in the middle of something important. ‘How come it was okay for N to be rude to me but I’m always getting told off for cutting people off?’ The rules don’t make sense to B and he is getting agitated. On top of it he is wondering, ‘why isn’t my friend taking my side when this other guy was so clearly wrong?’ At this point it feels to B that life is hopeless and makes no sense. B yells at his friend: “You don't get it! No one gets how much time and energy I put into learning about the weather so I can talk to people about it. But then they cut me off saying they have to go. I'm so sick of trying to socialize when no one actually cares about my interests. You know what, just forget it!” And then B storms off. (This BTW is an Autistic meltdown or the beginnings of one.)
Apparently, this is what allistic people think Autism looks like.
Alright third scenario. The moment you have been waiting for:
SCENARIO 3: UNMASKED AUTISTIC PERSON (CULTURAL MODEL)
"C" is proudly Autistic and knows the culture well. They are consciously unmasked and when the small talk begins they recognize it for what it is, just like A did. They have observed Allistic conversation patterns and are aware, like A was, of the expectations and social “norms” of Allistic people. C knowns that when someone says “Hey! Nice weather, huh?” they are expecting a response like “Sure is! Enjoy it!” but to give that response would be C masking. It would be physically and emotionally painful. It would create recovery time and dysregulation. It could have other health consequences. So C isn’t going to do it, but C recognizes N does not know they are an unmasked Autistic who believes in the cultural, sociological framing of Autism.
Here’s what C says: “Sure is! My special interest is weather patterns so I have been absolutely geeking out over it! 65 days of perfect weather! Amazing! Let me know if you ever want to dive deep on why it’s happening! Have an amazing day!”
The advantage of this cultural approach over the pathologized (medical) model which assumes the Autistic person is “broken” or “irregular” and the allistic is “normal” is that everyone gets to be whole in this version. The responsibility is not all on the Autistic to push down the truth of who they are or apologize for over reacting or not understanding the social cues of small talk.
This is a healthy, integrated, fully unmasked response and it’s a big part of why the cultural model of Autism makes the world a better place for everyone.
If you learned something here, please like, comment, and share to make the world a safer place for all Autistic people.
*A NOTE ON THIS SERIES: The 3 Scenarios Series is a collection of essays examining 3 approaches Autistic people might take in one situation. The purpose is to illuminate differences in Autistic and Allistic (non-autistic) communication styles, bridge the empathy gap between them, and foster mutual understanding. In the first two scenarios, autism is seen as a disorder under the medical model. In scenario one, the Autistic person masks their natural behaviors to appease the allistic person, but feels awful. In scenario two, the Autistic person does not mask, so they feel more comfortable briefly before receiving negative feedback for not acting "normal." The third scenario presents a cultural model where neither Autistic nor allistic communication styles are seen as bad, just different. The Autistic person is consciously aware of cultural differences and unmasked in a thoughtful way, like someone from a different country traveling.
*Background note: Most people only have a vague (often, highly stereotyped) version of autism in their minds and believe that autistic children need (traumatic) ABA therapy to "overcome" their disability and appear "normal." After receiving an autism diagnosis in her thirties, Dr. Angela Lauria realized that she too had been mostly unaware of what it means to be Autistic. Like so many people, she started her journey by first gathering information and resources from the omnipresent (and problematic) Autism Speaks, but eventually moved away from the 'autism community' in favor of the 'Autistic community,' where she found kinship with other Autistic individuals and learned to let go of pathologizing language like 'autism spectrum disorder' and 'Asperger's Syndrome.' This autism blog (and her autism podcast, "The Autistic Culture Podcast") is meant to share her lived-experience insights to support others on a similar journey of diagnosis, understanding, and community. Embrace Autism--differences are not deficits.