Unmasking Autism Diary #20: Not a Duck
Read now (7 mins) | Price of unmasking: from inside Angela's Autistic mind
December 12, 2023
Dear Diary,
No fewer than 100 people have told me this Unmasking Autism Diary series has changed their life and that they- or someone they love - got diagnosed because of one or more of these posts. This thrills me to no end, but I also know what’s coming for them:
The unspeakable joy of knowing this whole fucking time you were a swan and not a duck.
The unspeakable grief of realizing why your life was a struggle and how it could have been easier.
And the unspeakable confusion about where to go from here.
Let’s review. Autism is a hereditary condition. It was not “caused” by late-maternal age, or v@cc1ne “injuries” 🤮, or toxins in the food supply. It was “caused” by the exact thing that caused your eye color: parents with recessive Autism genes.
Are there things you can do to emphasize or deemphasize your blue eyes? Sure there are:
Wearing blue shirts would emphasize your blue eyes.
Wearing brown contact lenses will deemphsize your blue eyes.
So imagine as a baby your parents noticed your blue eyes and hoped upon hope they would turn brown like everyone else’s. They ignored your blue eyes as long as they could. And then, at 2 years old, they began the morning ritual of sneaking in brown contact lenses to your nursery and putting them in your eyes. You scream. You cry. But you don’t have the language for the torture that is happening.
You begin to identify with the fact your eyes are the wrong color and that you are wrong for being who you were born to be.
Perhaps a resentment builds up toward your caregivers for forcing you into uncomfortable contact lenses as a toddler and child, or perhaps you are grateful and see your caregivers as protectors, helping you to hide your cursed blue eyes.
Have you ever worn colored contacts?
They aren’t thin and breathable like the disposable dailywear lenses. They are thick and irritating. Great for a Halloween party for a few hours, but impossibly taxing to wear all day, every day, especially as a small child.
You rub your eyes and they roll up and out. You are consumed with fear. You know that you could get caught for not being an authentically brown eyed person, and then what? You become your own perpetrator. Now YOU are making sure no one sees yours natural eye color. YOU are putting in the brown contact lenses yourself every morning. YOU are hiding the truth of who you are because of this unknown future where, when everyone finds out you really have blue eyes, they leave you. You are orchestrating the masking that is causing you own destruction.
These contact lenses hurt. Your eyes are perpetually on fire. Sometimes you forget about them, but mostly, they make it hard to concentrate. School is challenging because you can’t rub your eyes, but they have a foreign object in them and they hurt. You sneak eyedrops into the bathroom stall. Sometimes, because your eyes are in so much discomfort, you lash out at teachers or classmates. You know if you get too close to anyone - or God forbid have a sleep over - they could find out the truth about your blue eyes.
Mostly, you avoid that and everyone says you, “Like to be alone.” But man, you are lonely.
As you grow up your parents and caregivers no longer need to police your contact lens wearing because you know better than they do that being blue eyed is the worst. You vow to never let anyone know you have blue eyes. The problem is as you grow older your eyes start to become resistant to the lenses. You develop a reaction to certain lens material. Then your eyes get a bacterial infection and you need to stay home for a month because you aren’t allowed to put lenses in. A stye on your eyelid means you miss your LSAT exams. Maybe you won’t be a lawyer after all. The stinging, irritation, and burning is too much. More and more, you stay home alone, camera off on Zoom because of your “eye issues,” hoping you won’t get fired.
And then, one day, you start to read about fellow blue-eyed people who took off the color contacts and LIVED as a blue-eyed person and survived.
God it would feel amazing to get these contact lenses out forever.
One guy mentions his parents are also blue-eyed and they never wore contacts. He was accepted for who he is in his family and that gave him the self-confidence to not let his eye-color hold him back. You are jealous and wonder what this would have been like for you.
Someone else shares how they found out at 30 that there were whole countries of blue-eyed people and she could just move there. Hello Iceland!!! She just realized living in a society of blue-eyed people where she wouldn’t be discriminated against was a better choice for her.
When a Blue-Eyed person takes off the lenses and enters society there is a cost.
Many people are supportive, of course, but taking the lenses off could mean their parents felt rejected or accused of making the wrong choice when they were doing the best they could.
Some blue-eyed people lose their job because customers do not like to shop or dine with blue-eyed people around. When they go to the DMV, or the bank, or even job interviews, many empowered blue-eyed people would still put in their old brown contacts - more uncomfortable than ever now - because, frankly, it is just easier. And who would want a driver’s license with blue-eyes knowing how law enforcement treats blue-eyed people?
Lots of these Blue-Eyed Empowerment people were told to stop making everything about their eye-color, but they pressed on. Colored contacts for babies is abuse, they protested. But teachers and parents and therapists agree starting babies with contacts was the best way to give them a chance at a job and marriage in the future. Babies must wear contacts!
Often members of the #EmpowerBlueEyes movement would be asked if they were SURE they had blue eyes. How could they be SURE? Did they have an official diagnosis from the opthomologist of blue eyes or did they “self-diagnose” by looking in the mirror. They were told their eyes were grey or hazel or green and not ACTUALLY blue.
Some blue-eyed people would think they were #actuallyblueeyed but then they would look in the mirror and get confused - what do flecks of brown mean? What does a ring of hazel mean? What if your eyes changed color with the whether?
TikTok was flooded with iris close ups. One food influencer went to a restuarant in Atlanta and when he left without food because of the wait, an employee called him blue-eyed. X (formerly Twitter) was swamped with polls of people voting on whether Someone’s eyes were actually green.
The more people took off their Brown lenses, the more the media began to ask, “Is there an epidemic of Blue-eyed people?” Blue-eyed people argued: “We have always been here!” but the concerns continued. It seemed like everyone was announcing they were blue-eyed and expecting some sort of credit for it.
Taking off your brown contacts comes at a cost for most. Family members treat you differently and secretly talk about you behind your back. Certain jobs will be off the table. Blue-eyed people whose eyes changed color are accused of stealing attention from people with darker shades of blue eyes.
You may start to wonder, “Was wearing contacts really that bad many?
Wearing brown contact lenses everyday is painful.
But, taking off the brown contact lenses is not without pain.
And that is the Paradox of unmasking. Once I was diagnosed (11 years ago or so), I never kept my Autism a secret, but I didn’t fully unmask. I kept wearing the contacts. When I took them off, there was joy and relief, but also sadness and grief. I felt less alone, but I actually was MORE alone in some ways. A part of me thought that doing this journal project would help me make sense of the complexity of those feelings.
For me, some of the gifts of unmasking have been:
Enjoying the freedom to embrace my safe foods without “Clean Plate Club” or “Just try it, you might like it!” shame.
Exploring the joy of pursuing my special interests for hours that feel like minutes and the surge of Flow that monotropic focus brings.
Embracing the knowledge that misunderstandings between Autistics and Allistics are a two-way street and my empathy and theory of mind are delightfully in tact. (Thanks for being a beacon of light and hope Damian Milton.)
Noticing the calming way a cat on my lap can regulate my jangley nervous system faster than anything else.
Shamelessly putting Seam rippers in every room to remove clothing tags and appreciating the fine, fine fashion brands that choose to go tag-less
Getting to know the incredible #ActuallyAutistic community that understands Autism is a neurotype and a culture and to the extent we (like anyone else) have medical issues, we deserve thorough and complete health care services.
Celebrating openly Autistic friendships and work relationships which feel like such a breeze in comparison to my masked life.
My journey of unmasking this year has not been without complications, however. This is why today's episode of The Autistic Culture Podcast is all about Autistic-Centered Therapy -- the only method I know of healing the pain of unmasking. (Hint: Things like life coaching, CBT, and talk therapy don't work and actually make it worse for many Autistics)
For now, I guess I just want to reflect on how good it feels to have those pesky contact lenses out of my eyes and out of my house, forever. Unmasking doesn’t solve everything, but it sure as hell is a LOT more comfortable.
P.S. The Autistic Culture Podcast Merch Shop is open! Get Your “Not a Duck” shirt here and where is proudly!
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The Dear Diary Project is a public journaling project where I’m publicly sharing my diary entries as part of my annual goals. No harm is intended by these posts. My goal is to gain clarity for myself and hopefully help others, especially autistic adults, who are trying to make sense of the communication challenges we face.
“Masking is a common coping mechanism in which Autistic people hide their identifiably Autistic traits in order to fit in with societal norms, adopting a superficial personality at the expense of their mental health. This can include suppressing harmless stims, papering over communication challenges by presenting as unassuming and mild-mannered, and forcing themselves into situations that cause severe anxiety, all so they aren’t seen as needy or “odd.”
—Unmasking Autism, Dr. Devon Price
*Background note: Most people only have a vague (often, highly stereotyped) version of autism in their minds and believe that autistic children need (traumatic) ABA therapy to "overcome" their disability and appear "normal." After receiving an autism diagnosis in her thirties, Dr. Angela Lauria realized that she too had been mostly unaware of what it means to be Autistic. Like so many people, she started her journey by first gathering information and resources from the omnipresent (and problematic) Autism Speaks, but eventually moved away from the 'autism community' in favor of the 'Autistic community,' where she found kinship with other Autistic individuals and learned to let go of pathologizing language like 'autism spectrum disorder' and 'Asperger's Syndrome.' This autism blog (and her autism podcast, "The Autistic Culture Podcast") is meant to share her lived-experience insights to support others on a similar journey of diagnosis, understanding, and community. Embrace Autism--differences are not deficits.