Unmasking Autism Diary #11 : Evidence I am a Bad Person
Read now (4 mins) | Identity: from inside Angela's Autistic mind
May 16, 2023
Dear Diary,
It was Adam’s Morgan day in 1992 when I first noticed it. Someone bumped into me at a crowded street festival and my brain caught fire. I started to fantasize about physically hurting the person who bumped me in great detail and there was some Edgar Allen Poe levels of darkness in me. And then, as if possessed, I kicked him in the back of the leg. When he turned around, I smiled and pretended it wasn’t me.
This was long, long before I was diagnosed as autistic and I had no idea what sensory overload was. It was hot and crowded, smelly and loud, and I was completely over stimulated, but I took all of those feelings and poured them onto this guy who just bumped me in a crowd.
No one knew what I was thinking. ‘No one will ever know what a horrible person I am,’ I promised myself. I just looked like I was in a horrible mood. I had always been called moody, so it fit. Some people in life were good natured or laid back. Not me, I was moody. And now I knew what no one else did—I was also violent and mean.
I wished I was born with a good personality. I wished I was easy going and kind. But I wasn’t. I was mean-spirited and filled with violence and rage.
I carried that story of myself for years. I call it the “bad personality” theory. When god was handing out genes I got great eyes, strong critical thinking, and a bad personality. It didn’t seem debatable or interpretable. It just seemed true.
I didn’t deserve friends so I wasn’t surprised when people didn’t like me. The way for me to have people in my life was through work. My value would not be that I was fun to be with, my value would come through my productivity.
I was always asking myself “What can I produce that would make it worth it for people to deal with my bad personality?”
Oh, and I produced. I produced plays, concerts, medieval festivals, books, papers, improv nights, and parties. You name it, I made it happen. If it was my event and the event was good, people would have to put up with me.
As far as coping techniques go, it wasn’t a bad one. I just knew I was an undeserving asshole, and this was my way of making up for it.
In 1992, 1 in 150 kids were diagnosed with autism. Today it’s 1 in 36. And that’s not because more people are Autistic now, it’s because we have gotten better at diagnosis. I still think that number is way low.
Autism is about as heritable as blue eyes. In the US, 27% of people have blue eyes. Globally it’s 8%. My guess is the actual number of Autistic people is somewhere in that range 8-27% - or roughly 17.5%. But we are only diagnosing 3% or so.
Why does this matter? I think to me there are so many decisions I made in my life based on misinformation because I didn’t have a diagnosis. I didn’t kick that guy at the Adam’s Morgan Day festival because I am mean and violent. I kicked him because I was overstimulated and didn’t have the right supports in place.
Today, I generally avoid crowds. If I can’t avoid the crowds for some reason, I take noise canceling ear phones, a scarf with a nice smelling perfume that I can use to block out bad smells, and sunglasses. I stick to the outer edge of the crowd and use breath work to stay calm. I also give myself full permission to stim for self-soothing, and I build in recovery time.
If I had those tools in 1992, what different stories would I have told myself about myself? I spent so many years keeping this secret about what a horrible, violent person I was. I tried to cover it up with productivity and life hacks. What I really needed were some simple sensory accommodations.
In the last 10 years, studies have started to indicate the criminal Justice system is filled with a higher percent of neurodivergent people—specifically Autistics. Understanding and diagnosing autism early and often can change that and not by “fixing” Autistic people, but simply by accommodating us in society. The depression, anxiety, and social challenges that so often come with Autism could be fixed in many cases just by teaching Autistic people how to work with our neurotype instead of fighting it.
I forgive 1992-Me for kicking that guy and thinking about hurting him for bumping into me. I didn’t know what I didn’t know. And I’m so glad more people are getting diagnosed, and self-diagnosing, their Autism, even if it is inconvenient for capitalism and the promulgation of the productivity gospel.
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The Dear Diary Project is a public journaling project where I’m publicly sharing my diary entries as part of my annual goals. No harm is intended by these posts. My goal is to gain clarity for myself and hopefully help others, especially autistic adults, who are trying to make sense of the communication challenges we face.
“Masking is a common coping mechanism in which Autistic people hide their identifiably Autistic traits in order to fit in with societal norms, adopting a superficial personality at the expense of their mental health. This can include suppressing harmless stims, papering over communication challenges by presenting as unassuming and mild-mannered, and forcing themselves into situations that cause severe anxiety, all so they aren’t seen as needy or “odd.”
—Unmasking Autism, Dr. Devon Price
*Background note: Most people only have a vague (often, highly stereotyped) version of autism in their minds and believe that autistic children need ABA therapy to "overcome" their disability and appear "normal." After receiving an autism diagnosis in her thirties, Dr. Angela Lauria realized that she too had been mostly unaware of what it means to be Autistic. Like so many people, she started her journey by first gathering information and resources from the omnipresent (and problematic) Autism Speaks, but eventually moved away from the 'autism community' in favor of the 'Autistic community,' where she found kinship with other Autistic individuals and learned to let go of pathologizing language like 'Autism Spectrum Disorder' and 'Asperger's Syndrome.' This autism blog (and her autism podcast, "The Autistic Culture Podcast") is meant to share her lived-experience insights to support others on a similar journey of diagnosis, understanding, and community. Embrace Autism--differences are not deficits.