Unmasking Autism Diary #6: Sorry, Not Sorry
Read now (4 mins) | Straddling paradoxes: from inside Angela's Autistic mind
January 18, 2023
Dear Diary,
I was sitting in his office wearing an uncomfortable button up shirt, scratch plaid pants, and heels that were too narrow for my wide feet. He was in a suit at his white board waxing on about his proposed solution to a major problem that the business he ran—that I worked for—was facing.
“Dude, I have a PHD in communications and I have no idea what you are saying,” I said with a scowl.
Those were the words that got me fired when I was six months pregnant.
To be fair, I now know what it’s like to be the boss and to have no idea how to solve a problem and to feel like you need to fake it with employees to keep everyone calm. But, at the time I was trying to help and missing that subtext completely.
Here’s what I was thinking:
The company has a big problem we have to solve.
The Boss, in particular, wants this solved fast.
My obligation as an employee is to help him solve the problem.
The best way to help solve the problem was to point out the weaknesses in his current thinking.
Hierarchy protocols didn’t figure into my thinking. The other employees were just sitting back and shutting up which seemed rude to me. If you care about this company shouldn’t you jump in and help? But none of them lost their jobs. Sooooooo I guess not.
At the time, I was undiagnosed, but I’m not sure it would have mattered because even since my diagnosis I have never been able to master the masking skill of deferring to authority.
I always thought that meant I was a rebel or an iconoclast. I remember reading in Hamlet about the idea of being "Hoisted with his own petard" and thinking ‘Yup, that’s me.”
And here I was in that stuffy office being hoisted on my own petard yet again.
Autistic women tend to be better at masking: identifying the autistic patterns that don’t match up to neurotypical expectations and derailing those behaviors even at the cost of their own health and safety…but not me!
One of the hardest things about unmasking for me is seeing where and how I mask…because it’s certainly not by bowing to authority.
My masking is clever. I mask with clarity and confidence that is beyond my capacity. I mask with extroversion which is not my true preferred mode of being. I mask with my socially acceptable special interests like books and theatre. I mask by seeming like I’m fine when I’m not but even I don’t know it.
Maybe I don’t mask enough. Or I suck at it. I hear autistic people talk about masking and I compare myself to them and feel like a failure. How ironic is that?
This is the thing about the spectrum. Sometimes I’m the most loquacious person you’d ever want to meet. Sometimes I’m mute and speaking a word feels like climbing a mountain. Sometimes I’m an effective masker—so effective I’m drained of battery for days, weeks, or years as I recover. Sometimes I’m a bull in a china shop—missing social cues and norms and not even seeing the opportunity to mask. I can run a multi-million dollar company, but can’t do laundry without needing a half day to recover from the stress of an executive functioning task.
Getting mail, paying bills, making phone calls, cooking…All of them create panic, anxiety, stress, fear, and overwhelm, but ask me to read 5 books and write a paper comparing them in the next 24 hours…No problem!
I think living with those paradoxes is one of the most confusing things.
And as I’m writing this, I’m realizing that’s why the person I mask most around is myself.
Holding space for those cavernous dichotomies is hard, so I distract, stim, and cover up my challenges even to myself.
If I put myself back in that boss’ office, what would I do differently today? I wouldn’t want to have listened to his bad idea and told him it was good. I wouldn’t want to have ignored the problem like so many coworkers. But what I would like to think I’d be able to do today is unmask…
“Chuck, listen, you know I’m autistic and we tend to be blunt. I’m not saying this to hurt your feelings, but I’m not putting together how this plan will solve the problem and I’d like to be able to help. Do you actually want help on this? Or are you happier to work on it on your own for a bit longer?”
That’s what I wish I’d be able to say. No masking. No small talk. Straight forward communication. No disrespect meant.
Ah, would it come out that way though? Or would it be interpreted as rudeness? Probably the latter. That’s how it always seems to go. Sounds so much better in my head.
***
The Dear Diary Project is a public journaling project where I’m publicly sharing my diary entries as part of my annual goals. No harm is intended by these posts. My goal is to gain clarity for myself and hopefully help others, especially autistic adults, who are trying to make sense of the communication challenges we face.
“Masking is a common coping mechanism in which Autistic people hide their identifiably Autistic traits in order to fit in with societal norms, adopting a superficial personality at the expense of their mental health. This can include suppressing harmless stims, papering over communication challenges by presenting as unassuming and mild-mannered, and forcing themselves into situations that cause severe anxiety, all so they aren’t seen as needy or “odd.”
—Unmasking Autism, Dr. Devon Price
*Background note: Most people only have a vague (often, highly stereotyped) version of autism in their minds and believe that autistic children need (traumatic) ABA therapy to "overcome" their disability and appear "normal." After receiving an autism diagnosis in her thirties, Dr. Angela Lauria realized that she too had been mostly unaware of what it means to be Autistic. Like so many people, she started her journey by first gathering information and resources from the omnipresent (and problematic) Autism Speaks, but eventually moved away from the 'autism community' in favor of the 'Autistic community,' where she found kinship with other Autistic individuals and learned to let go of pathologizing language like 'autism spectrum disorder' and 'Asperger's Syndrome.' This autism blog (and her autism podcast, "The Autistic Culture Podcast") is meant to share her lived-experience insights to support others on a similar journey of diagnosis, understanding, and community. Embrace Autism--differences are not deficits.